


The forgiveness we deserve

by MABlake



Series: Take my pain and take my sins [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Don't ask me why, F/F, F/M, I love them so much, Idiots in Love, Jordan Murphy and Clarke are roomates here, M/M, Minor John Murphy/Raven Reyes, Minor Niylah/Octavia, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, it's a little bit modern, mentions of Jackson/Miller, s6 is going to ruin them all so I had to fix it somehow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 18:19:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18696781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MABlake/pseuds/MABlake
Summary: When their hosts are kinder than they hoped, they all take a moment to breathe and try to be who they are suppossed to, trying to adapt themselves to the new planet. While Kane heals and their home is being made, everyone is making plans and every person has a chore.What Clarke needs to understand is that she isn't alone anymore.





	The forgiveness we deserve

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so— please read the first part of the series so you can understand this. 
> 
> And, before you kill me, I just want to say that Bellamy hasn’t told Clarke about the fact that he and Echo aren’t a thing anymore, so our favorite blonde thinks they still are. The chapters will be told in Bellamy and Clarke’s point of view, but maybe it’ll be necessary for me to add Murphy or Raven’s perspective. They are a… secondary thing here(? but I’m not sure if I can do something separately for them or if whatever I’ll write here will do. 
> 
> I really hope it’s not confussing, because english isn’t my first language, so this is somewhat difficult for me and I don’t know what I’m doing. If some of you wants to be my beta-reader, I’ll love you forever, honestly. 
> 
> Anyway, yeah. Hope you like it! Tell me your thoughts in the comments!

 

 

 

The trip to the city had been full of tension towards one person in particular, and Clarke had to stand tall even when all she wanted to do was to put a shield around her and hide from view. Having Bellamy,  Madi , Murphy and Jordan at her side had helped a lot.

Before, Bellamy and Murphy had been trying to divide their time between her and the family they made on the Ring, but since Murphy’s outburst, some kind of wall had r a ised.

She’d tried to ask what their deal was because she didn’t want to be the reason for more trou ble, and when they’d stopp ed to eat, Murphy answered, “We’ll talk to them when they stop being idiots.”

She tried to pry more than that from Bellamy, but all he added was, “For once, I agree with Murphy.”

“I don’t like being the reason you’re all fighting. They are your family.”

His gaze had softened at that, against the flames of their fire. “You are my family too, Clarke, and you shouldn’t — “ He’d ran  a hand through his hair. “This is not your fault, okay? Stop feeling guilty. You shouldn’t worry about it.”

She’d nodded, still unconvinced, but accepted his words, squeezing his hand when he took hers. 

The most surprising thing that happened to her hadn’t been arriving to The Capital, as she thought it would be (even though it was shocking, seeing something so similar to the city of light), but that had taken second place to what happened after a few nights there, when someone knocked on her door in the middle of the night.  Madi  was asleep in her own room, and she tiptoed around her assigned quarters to answer the door, just to find Raven on the other side of the hallway. 

She was smiling, uncertainly, and  had her hand s on the pockets of her jacket, which was a welcomed change from the glares the woman had been sending her way during all of their trip. 

“Hey, Clarke. So, uh— Murphy talked to me about Madi’s nightmares and I decided doing something about it,” she’d said, almost in one breath. “I’ve talked with your mother and some of the best doctors they have here, and I already have a solution. All you have to do is take Madi to their facilities to make some tests and simulations that  are going to help, and —don’t worry, I’ve already those figured it out.”

The blonde stood there, motionless for a few seconds, while her knuckles were white with the force of her grip on the door. 

“This is me apologizing for being a bitch these last few weeks, if — uh, in case  that wasn’t clear.”

Clarke’s lower lip trembled before she took a step towards her friend, hugging her immediately and saying, “I’m sorry, too,” against the fabric of her jacket. 

Things changed after that. It wasn’t what she’d imagined, all those years with Madi, of course (she hadn’t wanted a war between her and all the people she cared about), but it was better than before. The anger  Emori  had for her died down when the former grounder saw the mechanic being nice to her, but Echo was still wary of her and, even if she didn’t care about her opinion, it hurt to think that Bellamy had to  be divided between them . Clarke loved Jordan as much as Madi, and Murphy became like a brother to her (when she told Bellamy that, he just smiled warmly at her and told her to keep that as a secret for everyone else if she didn’t want to live with the co ckro ach being smug as fuck).

It wasn’t what she’d wished for during her lonely years, but it was better than nothing. It hurt a lot, think about her dreams. A family, safety on her garden, Bellamy and her— 

Sometimes it became too much. The years she spent with only  Madi  for company softened her edges, and she had learned to hope for the best instead of wait for the worst. She’d tried to convince herself that love was not a weakness while the owner of her heart lay in space. That love meant hope and strength and it gave more reasons to survive. 

But at th e  moment, walking silently through the halls of the infirmary towards her mother, she couldn’t help but think that all those things were wrong. 

Love was nothing but pain. 

She could see it in Murphy’s eyes every time he talked with her about  Emori , sorrow and sadness pouring out of him because they couldn’t make it work. She could witness it in the bags under her mother’s eyes, since they brought Kane to the hospital. She could sense it in the yearning in  Niylah’s  eyes whenever Octavia was in the room. 

More important than anything else, she could feel it in her chest; a constant ache in her heart whenever Bellamy did as much as utter a world in Echo’s direction. 

She had noticed, that Echo and him didn’t talk as much as she expected when she knew they were a couple, that they didn’t touch nearly as much as she thought they would. Clarke knew, without a doubt, that if she were in Echo’s place, she would’ve taken every second of every day to talk to him, no matter what, and touch him every chance she got. 

They barely seemed to notice each other when they were in a room full of people, and sometimes she wondered if Bellamy just… sort of  _ knew _ . They were still mending their trust, and friendship; they were best friends to their core, and could understand each other better than anyone else in the world. Maybe he was trying to spare her feelings by not rubbing his relationship on her face. It would’ve been embarrassing, that he’d noticed, but at least he hadn’t told her  a n y thing about it and he still wanted to hang out with her, wanted to know every little thing that happened in the years they were apart. 

She sighed when she recognized the  path  she had been walking  long enough to be  familiarized  with it . Her footsteps were the only thing that could be heard in the hallway and the determination was clear in every step she took until she arrived at the med bay. 

When she entered the room, her mother was in the same place she had been the last few weeks: at Kane’s bedside. No matter how noisy she made her entrance, her presence always seemed to be unnoticed by her, but Cla rke couldn’t exactly blame her. Abby just  seemed to react to the man in her coat. Clarke could easily put herself on her shoes. If Bellamy was the one in that place, she knew ―

Fuck, she had to stop thinking like that. No matter what happened, she believed fiercely in the way their relationship wouldn’t change even if it was all she could think about while he was on space. 

“Hey,” she said to her mother, smiling sympathetically at her when she  jumped in her seat  at the new founded presence in the room. “I am going to get Madi, and then we are heading out for tonight. Do you want to come with us?”

Her answer was always the same, but she still had hope that one day it’ll change. Soon, Kane would be okay, and the light in her mother’s eyes would return , hopefully . 

Like she had expected, Abby offered a tight smile. “Maybe tomorrow?” she offered, tentatively. “I want to make sure he is okay.”

“Fine,” Clarke sighed, squeezing her shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She walked away aft er hearing her mother’s goodbye . 

___

When they arrived at the new planet,  one of the first things they did was establish a treaty with the  wary leaders  of the zone they landed . In one of those first talks,  they were informed of the advanced technology  that existed on that planet  and h er first thought was about Kane,  finally being  glad  that  some of the pain  i n her heart was dissolved. She had been suffe ring for years thinking about the possibility  of the most important man in her life  being dead , and she didn’t want that for her mother. Not after all the wars, and his father.  She deserved better than that.

While she walked towards the mess hall, she couldn’t help but think about the pain in her own heart. It had dulled considerably on recent days, but the regret in her chest was still the same

Her friendship with Bellamy and Murphy was the same as it was before they left for the ring (even better, sometimes), and  Emori  treated her like she didn’t give a shit for the mistakes she made on earth (once she knew Raven had forgiven her), but the fact that Echo couldn’t stand her was… unsettling, at least for her. They couldn’t be in each other’s presence with ease, and Clarke wondered if the spy had discovered her so obvious feelings.  But then, of course she had to know. She was by Roan’s side, and he must’ve told her how Bellamy was her weakness. 

So, e ven if both of them loved Bellamy, that was not enough for them to bond, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to. What were they go ing to  talk  about ? Just seeing her with him hurt awfully, and she didn’t want any details about how he was with her, or how they got together. 

It was relieving, that the brunette didn’t want anything to do with her, but she wondered sometimes if Bellamy wanted otherwise. 

Jordan and Madi  were the sun of her  day, and even if seeing  the man  hurt because how alike he was to their parents, she was n’t  scared  about how easy was to take him under her wing.  She promised  the stars  the same day she m et him that she’ll protect  him at all cost as if he was her own, and she meant to keep that promise. 

It was somehow weird, protecting someone who was already grown up, but in almost every sense of the world, Jordan seemed to be a newborn, always amazed with little discoveries.  It reminded her of the old days in the dropship. 

She put a hand on her daughter’s shoulders to announce her presence when she arrived to their normal table, and smiled tiredly at Bellamy while she let herself fall on a chair. Echo and Raven were talking at the end of the table and Murphy was on  Madi’s  other side, telling her a story. 

“Rough day?” Bellamy asked, passing her a  tray  full of food. “How’s Kane?”

“He’s fine,” she replied, sighing. “Getting better, but they decided to not wake him up until he’s completely fine and my mom doesn’t want to leave his side until that happens , so it’s the same as yesterday .”

He made a grimace. “She hasn’t left yet?”

She decided to eat, at least a little, before she answered.

“No,” she breathed out, almost trembling. She’d forgotten that Bellamy had been by her side when she tried to feed her mother, more than once. Clarke rubbed her temples before letting her hands fall on the table, on either side of her  plate . “I just want him to wake up soon, so we can all stop worrying.”

His gaze softened. “He will,” he assured her, reaching over the table to take one of her hands in his and squeezing. 

Her lower lip trembled at the gesture and she could feel her eyes watering. She could see his face falling when she rejected his comfort and took her hand away from his, turning to Madi. “My little  Natblida , are you tired already?”

She could see that she wanted to stay a little bit more, but something must’ve showed on her face, and the kid just nodded. 

“Well, guys, I guess we’ll see you tomorrow? We are tired and I think I want my bed more than anything else.”

“Yeah,” Raven said, smiling a little.  “Sleep well, girls.”

“Clarke,” Bellamy called, and there was something weird in his voice, so she looked at him. There was an undecipherable look in his eyes, but he decided against saying anything about it, just pointing at the food left for her. “You didn’t eat a lot.”

She shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. I’m not hungry.”

He clearly wanted to say something else but, just like  Madi , he saw her face and decided to leave it alone. He just nodded and gave her a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. 

She still could see  the way  his face  fell when she rejected his touch, the moment  she entered the room she shared with  Madi  and curled around her. 


End file.
